Gemini: (May 21st to June 20th)
Somewhere in the universe is your Gemini doppelganger, and this month they will have a strong impact on your physical health. Pay close attention to aches and pains for there is a distinct possibility that this “other you” just got smacked in the face for offending an old lady at the grocery store, consequently leaving you to feel the transferred effects of her old and callused hand. Due to the leering position of the moon, however, this geriatric spanking may turn out to be quite enjoyable. As a result, listen carefully to the beating of your heart when passing old folk homes, and find your balance in knitting, Twinkies, stamp collecting, and Harold and Maude. L-I-V-E, LIVE! Or else you got nothing to talk about in the locker room!
There is an outside chance that you may come across a winning lottery ticket this month so long as you are willing to mug the right person in a well lit area in front of a Taco Bell on June 14th. Of course, you will be burdened with the guilt of destroying a poor senior citizen’s sense of well-being, but hey, at least you’ll have money for a #3!
Love is in the air for Leo’s this month and the possibility of a hot romance is high. Money problems are also on the horizon which points to the probability of a failed relationship and child support for at least 18 years. Choose wisely.
Creativity is abound in the month of May. A musical instrument will propel you to learn a terrible pop song that all your friends will wish you would stop playing. Keep vigilance with your muse; in time you will be courting a hearing impaired partner, raised on bad Christian music, that will thank you for saving them from a torturous cult.
Your ability to feel compassion and empathy will find you in a situation where a complete stranger confides in you that they have a secret romantic love for farm animals. Give into this connection of love and trust, but be sure to keep your pets away from their leering eyes.
The secret to happiness lies in letting go of your hang-ups in the weeks to come. So what if your lover is flirting with your best friend? Let go. Give in. There is a strong possibility that they were always a horrible human being and, after a terrible and unexpected confrontation in your bedroom, you will be free to walk triumphantly out the door in search of a new and exciting dysfunctional relationship!
Look for holes in the universe as the spring blossoms in full. But be careful: Some inanimate object can cause chafing, and no means no!
If you are bold enough to wear a toga to work this month then not only will the Greek god’s of the past bless you with eternal strength and perseverance, but you will also give you’re a junk a break from those extremely tight undergarments you thought would make you look fit and trim.
Sagittarius is your spirit sign moving forward in the month of June. Find a cute Sagittarius at the bar using a cheesy pick up line (Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!) and convince them to let you ride on their shoulders like a glorious steed! Together you can conquer the streets of your town like a victorious winner of the Triple Crown!
Public education is interfering with the progress of your generation. Find a young nephew or niece and teach them words with the wrong meanings. You may not be present for the fruits of your labor, but just knowing that a teacher is perplexed because their student with a headache is complaining that their balls hurt is reward enough.
Your deep-rooted empathy is in full swing with the coming days. Release this energy by wearing a cheetah print G-string and a long purple trench coat while singing a stirring rendition of When Dove Cries at your next church service. Give it your best hip thrust and the holy water will no doubt turn purple just in time for communion.
There is no amount of bullshit that can get in your way this month. The stars are aligned in such a way that even your most prolific blunder will reap rewards. In fact, you may try experimenting with telling your in-laws how you really feel about them at the next family dinner. If nothing else, you’ll get a glimpse of why you were strangely hesitant on that pivotal day you agreed to marry your husband/wife.